The Five Core Needs in Relationship

How often do you say to your partner, “I need this from you.” More time, more attention, more sex, more something. So what do we really need from our partners?

Humans are relational. It is natural and adaptive to have needs. And while they are individual and nuanced, there are universal human needs.

I think about the universal needs in five core categories. We all need to feel safe, heard, seen, soothed, and treated as though we matter.

Safe

Safety first. It is physiologically impossible to be in connection while feeling unsafe. Our nervous system moves into fight-flight-freeze response during experiences of real or perceived danger.

If you’re about to be in a car wreck, you’re in no state to smile and show love to your partner. Similarly, with perceived danger, you wouldn’t be able to love on them if you’re terrified they might leave you.

Creating safety is the first step to a fulfilling connection in relationship.

Heard

Is your partner listening for signals from you? Does your partner notice and attend to the sounds, words, and the movement of your body.

On one of my first dates with my partner, we were outside at Barton Springs with friends. I broke a fingernail folding a blanket, and I made a little “ouch” sound. Even though he was ten feet away and talking to another person, he looked back, concerned that I was okay. At that moment, my partner heard me.

Seen

Seen is being understood. “Seen into...” as my mentor, Jules, would say. If you are crying and your partner notices, that’s a good start. That’s the heard piece. But if you’re crying and your partner says, “Oh Love, are you feeling sad about not getting that promotion? I’m so sorry. Come here, let me hold you.” Big difference, right?

Soothed

The last part of that interaction: “let me hold you” is an example of soothing. Human’s nervous systems mirror and resonate together. When we’re babies, we cannot regulate ourselves and need a separate nervous system (the caregiver) to provide soothing.

As adults, we have the ability to self-soothe. But in relationship, we do rely on our partner at times to help calm our system.

Mattering

Am I important to you? Do you care about me? Do I hold a special place in your heart? It’s impossible not to wonder whether we matter to our partner. It comes from a biological need to belong and seek safety within community.

These five needs are essential in relationship. No, they’re never all perfectly met, but they must be met with regularity for a satisfying life.

Take a moment and notice your reaction to the five core needs: Being safe, heard, seen, soothed, and mattering. Do you have a stronger desire for one over the others? Are they being met in your relationship? Do you know how to meet these needs for your partner?

Share your answers in the comments!

I’ll be sharing tips and suggestions about each need in the next month of blog posts, keep an eye out for those. Sending you so much love and wishing you a romance that meets your needs!

-Jami Lynn

You Matter! How to Feel Important in Your Relationship

Do you ever find yourself wondering if your partner really cares about you? They might be loving and thoughtful, but you still feel doubtful about their attraction, commitment, or interest in you.

Imagine how good you feel when your partner surprises you.

Maybe on a Tuesday night you come home to flowers, they’ve laid out clothes for you to wear, and then drive you to your favorite restaurant. (Love, if you’re reading this: I want this surprise! Take me to Sway please.)

Makes you feel special and loved, right?

How long does the feeling last?

On nights you come home and they want some alone time, do you feel like you’ve dropped down a rung or two on the importance ladder? The nights when you aren’t connecting or don’t feeling special, you may start to feel anxious and afraid they don’t care as much.

You’re left wondering…

Do I matter?

Humans crave demonstrations of love. Knowing that we matter is one of the five core needs we all have in relationship. When people don't feel like they matter to a partner, they flounder. 

Some might go into shame thinking, "I'm not good enough." Or maybe into anger, "screw them" they don't love me. 

Know this cycle? Thankfully, you can change it.

By changing your subconscious beliefs. In neuroscience, they're called implicit beliefs. They are a blueprint of how the world works based on our earliest experiences in relationship. 

So if you learned early in life that you don't matter, then that belief will show up in your relationships today. 

Take a moment and consider your relationship history. Have you thought to yourself, "I'm not important" "I'm not good enough" "They don't love me." Even when your partner is demonstrating their love for you through words and actions. 

Then you may be dealing with implicit beliefs. 

So What do I do then?

Two things you can do right now to help change these beliefs:

1. Remind yourself that it’s old learning

2. Notice every time you feel like you DO matter. Because you do matter. Infinitely!

Remind yourself it’s old

Next time you have the thought, "I don't matter/I'm not good enough/They don't care about me," and feel the pain, sadness, and frustration that accompanies it, remember: this is a subconscious belief. It's old. The fact that I think it, does not mean it's true. 

Ask yourself, where did I learn this belief? And think of times in your early history when you felt unimportant or less than.

Notice when you do feel important

Start teaching your subconscious "I don't matter" is NOT true.

Notice any time you feel like you do matter. If your partner plans something special for you, whether it's a surprise or not, pay attention to it.

Look for those special moments when you feel connected to and loved by your partner. Think about those moments often, write them down, make gratitude lists about them.

And then start comparing those moments to the old belief. This way, you can teach your brain to start looking for and finding proof that you matter.

Share in the comments any ahas you had while reading. Whether you remembered some moments when you didn’t matter or you noticed a moment of feeling important, tell me about it! I’d love to hear your story.

Much love to you,

Jami Lynn

Therapy: How Your Personal Growth Can Include Social Justice Work

The purpose of this blog is to give tools and resources to improve sex and love. Yet, I cannot talk about those subjects right now. Satisfying sex is only possible when there’s safety. And love cannot sit idle when people are dying.

As a mental health professional, I think it’s necessary to address the social unrest in our Nation.

Why social justice is on everyone’s mind

After the murder of George Floyd, individuals and community groups are calling for Revolution. Black people are speaking out against the oppression and abuse of BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color). Systemic racism has created a reality where Black people are targets of discrimination and violence.

If you are reading this and agree, then you’ve done some work to understand inequality in this Nation. Right now, every person aware of racial injustice has an opportunity. We all have a chance to be on the side of love and care for people in need.

Racial Injustice is a Fact

Watching the video of a White man actively, and three other men complicity, killing a Black man has forced public awareness of racism in our society. If therapists are ignoring these events, then we are not serving mental health. The most significant marker of mental health is safety.

It is impossible to work on personal or relational growth without first experiencing safety. Black people in the United States do not feel safe because they aren’t. This Nation has a responsibility to create safety for BIPOC, and you can help make it happen.

So What Can I Do?

BIPOC and White allies are asking the question, “What can I do?” There are so many things White allies can do to help Black folks during this time. Educating yourself and giving money are the two most important steps to take now.

• Educate yourself on anti-racism and anti-White Supremacy. Check out this booklist Forbes compiled on the subject. Read or listen to The New York Times 1619 Project.

• Contact your local representatives to demand the use of body cameras on all policemen.

• Vote for candidates who fight for equal housing and education opportunities for BIPOC.

• Protect Black people at protests by standing between them and police/counter-protestors.

• Donate money to Social Justice and grassroots groups. People in these groups have made a career of advocacy and know how to make an impact. If you don’t know where to start, look at BlackLivesMatter.com, NAACP, The Bail Project, Campaign Zero, The Loveland Foundation, and ACLU.

• Follow BIPOC on your social media feeds. Listen to what they are saying. Hear the message they are sharing and repeat it.

• Understand what to say (and what not to say) to BIPOC. Read 100 ways to be a white ally.

You’ve got this! Your actions do matter, and you can make a difference in this Revolution. Listen and act in love.

-Jami Lynn

For When You Regret an Action: 3 Steps to a True Apology

Nobody is perfect. So we all know the feeling of regret that comes after saying or doing something hurtful. Or sometimes, we meant to say it, but reflection brings wisdom and remorse. 

An incident I remember clearly is saying to a previous partner that they had a dumb last name. Even typing it now, I feel myself cringing away from memory. Of course, this hurt my partner’s feelings, and they were angry with me for saying it. I could tell you everything that went into those words, the whole conversation leading to the outburst, but the story is beside the point. The point is, we all say mean or hurtful things to the people we love sometimes. 

If you have said or done something you feel bad about, here is a formula for how to apologize. The three steps to a genuine apology are: stay out of your story, understand what you did wrong, and deliver the apology. It’s that simple! Let’s dive into exactly how to do each step of the process.

Stay Out of Your Story

You know that voice that wants to defend, amend, or explain away the hurtful thing you said? Often the intention behind the explanation is connection - If I can say the right thing now, it will resolve my partner’s upset and we’ll be okay again. 

For example, when I told my partner they had a dumb last name. The story behind that, the thing my explanation voice wanted to shout, was that I didn’t want to take my partner’s last name when we got married. I didn’t actually think the last name was dumb; I just prefer my own. Yet, telling this story would not have done anything to help the situation.

Do not trust that sneaky little voice that wants to rationalize your mistake and explain away the other person’s hurt. You can certainly thank the voice for wanting to help you! However, don’t let the explanation escape your lips. For its purpose is to protect you instead of being with the person you hurt. 

Understand What You Said or Did Wrong

There are two parts to this step. One is knowing what you said or did that upset the other person; next is understanding how they might be feeling.

I know it was wrong to call my partner’s name dumb. 

For starters, using that language to describe anything about a person I say I love is not okay. Ever. It’s insulting and rude. 

If I were to go a little deeper in my understanding, it is also clear that I’m insulting my partner’s sense of self. Most of us are attached to our names. What I choose to call myself is personal and a reflection of who I am. I had degraded my partner’s sense of self. I cannot know for sure, but I imagine my partner felt angry and hurt. Angry, because of the slight. Hurt, because of the rejection.

Deliver the Apology

The delivery is where we put it all together. My apology to my previous partner might sound something like this: 

It was wrong of me to say your name is dumb. I know it was hurtful to you because it was insulting and rude of me to say. I am so sorry I said that to you. 

That’s it! Own whatever you said or did that was wrong, share how you imagine they feel, and give a heartfelt I’m sorry. 

Keep in mind; they do not have to accept your apology immediately (or ever). Allow the other person time to process, and be ready to continue taking responsibility and apologize for the wrong.

A few additional steps

These are the icing on the cake options. Owning your mistakes and understanding your role in another person’s hurt is HUGE. Yet, if you still want to offer more love and better communication to them, here are some things you can do in addition to the apology. 

• Offer to make it up to them

• Ask if there’s anything else they want you to know about their feelings/reactions to the hurt

• Check to see if there’s anything else they would like an apology for

• Make a promise (if you can count on yourself to keep it) to never say or do that again

• Provide physical comfort and affection, if that is something your partner would appreciate

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts. You can even practice the formula here if you have an apology to make.

A Poem for You

Good morning! Today I wanted to share inspiration from a different source: poetry. I love poetry and usually read a poem every night before bed. Last night’s poem stuck with me, and I wanted to share it with you. I hope you enjoy!

The parents of three young birds got shot

by a hunter.

After a few days of no food the two largest

birds killed their brother; they ate him and

picked at his bones for a week.

Then that hunger we have all known set in

again, which would cause many to do most

anything, if that ache did last; and it did

and thus other wings never climbed into

the air.

A few more nights passed, and then it was at

sunrise the lone bird fell from its nest, though

it survived on the ground eating some ants,

and then one day it did fly.

Its song came to please many ears, its beauty

enhanced the eye of those who saw it. Even a

loving parent it became.

The guards at the gate of heaven are such

good friends of mine, you should know

there is nothing you have ever done that is

not innocent and will in any way be judged as

wrong by anyone of true wisdom

but such knowledge you will not be able to

accept until your and an angel’s ways are

more similar. It just works like that.

-Hafiz, translated by Daniel Ladinsky

The second to last stanza is the one that stuck with me. It holds a grain of truth that I find beautiful - there is nothing you have ever done that is not innocent. How would it be if we genuinely experienced life as a place to learn. Where we are all children, doing our best to survive and thrive. Often bumping into each other and causing hurt. Sure, there are some times when the hurt is not done from an innocent blunder but with calculation. I would argue those instances are the exception, both in an individual’s life and in the population. Most of us are simply doing our best with the skills and knowledge we’ve gained so far. So cut yourself and your partner(s) some slack! We’re all attempting to fly and bring beauty to the world. For me, this poem is a reminder of forgiveness. For myself and others.

Self Soothing: Two Ways to Manage Emotional Overwhelm

You know the feeling of an emotional flood, right? It could show up with pain in your throat and uncontrollable tears. Or maybe seeing red and feeling a pounding rage rip through your chest and arms. Sometimes the flood is a sweeping terror with shaking and ice-cold hands and feet.

We all know what it’s like to have an emotion overwhelm our body and mind. It’s painful, scary, embarrassing, even dangerous sometimes. We feel out of control and at the mercy of the emotion.

It feels like these storms come out of nowhere. Yet, most of the time, there are signs before the emotional overwhelm. Fast heartbeat, shallow breath, tightness in the chest or throat, or even sight is tunneling and sound dampening.

If we can catch these signs, we have a greater chance of helping ourselves through the emotional flood. There are still ways to help when in the middle of it too. The short answer is ground and listen. How exactly do you do that?

Grounding

Focus your attention on a single, calming sensation. Noticing your body in space speaks safety to your subcortical brain. Bring your attention to the surface supporting your body, the feel of sun or wind on your skin, or your toes wiggling in shoes. Anything you can focus on right now so that your brain can register the physical safety of your body at this moment. My favorite way to ground is by putting my bare feet in the grass. Not only am I getting the physical sensation inputs, but also some time in nature.

Listen

So often we try to escape the flood, by pushing the feelings away or trying to stop them. Avoidance isn’t the answer; trying to stop it either doesn’t work or simply delays it. Instead, listen to the flood by naming the body sensations and emotions you’re experiencing. Putting words to what you feel helps soothe the flood, you are asking your brain to move into left-mode processing, which inhibits right-mode processing and the overwhelming feelings.

Practice - Put Them together

If we mix these two techniques, the outcome is a little like- My chest is tight, and my heart is beating fast. Feel ground under my feet, both the weight of my body and the sensation of tennis shoes touching my soles. I feel scared.

It seems simple, but this skill is HUGE in learning to self soothe and manage your emotional reactions. Using these simple tools can change your life.

One more way to link these tools together is to place your palm wherever the body sensations are strongest, and through the palm of your hand communicate: I see you/I feel you. Right here, I feel angry/scared/anxious/sad.

Now, I would love to hear from you! Keep the conversation going and connect with me. Practice these techniques and share what you notice in the chat!

Is This Right? Trusting Yourself with Any Decision

I can tell I’m stir crazy today. I can tell because there’s music playing as I type. (Al Green, if you’re looking for someone to listen to.) I usually focus entirely on the task at hand, so any other noise, really any distraction, will generally stop progress.

Yet, today the distraction is helping me focus. I am dancing a bit and singing along - Let me say, before I forget, loving you is where it’s at. Plus, at the same time, these words are coming quickly. So how do I know that this “distracted” work is right for me today?

The truth is, it is difficult to know what will be right at any given moment. We make decisions all the time, but some are harder than others. A certain amount of trust is involved. Can I trust myself to do what is best for me at any given moment? Building that trust takes time and practice. The practice requires two ingredients: curiosity and presence.

Practice Curiosity & Presence

Curiosity helps us to ask, what is going on with me now? Am I listening to music as a way to distract myself, or is it improving a flow state? Do I keep working at this relationship, or am I done? Am I trying to comfort some part of myself with pie, or do I just love the occasional dessert for breakfast? Who doesn’t love sweets for breakfast sometimes!? Curiosity is what helps us come to an answer each time we face a new decision, big or small.

Often instead of curiosity, we are in judgment or working off some belief that may not fit the current situation. For example, do you have an immediate response to any question above? Could be a judgment about eating for comfort or a rebellious internal voice that thinks listening to music helps get stuff done. In reality, there are so many right decisions in each of these situations. There are so many right ways to live! The continually changing factors in any decision: you and the moment at which you are deciding.

Which brings us to presence. Immersing yourself in each moment, with curiosity toward your thoughts and reactions, is one way to build trust in yourself. Without presence, we are left working off subconscious beliefs and any unconscious pattern that applies to the situation we find ourself in.

Ask Yourself Questions & Listen for a reaction

By bringing focus and attention to yourself, your automatic responses, and your internal world is the way out forward with any decision. Ask yourself questions: What happens in my body when I think about staying with this person? What happens in my body when I think about leaving? Does the pie bring joy and satisfaction, or do I feel uncomfortable in some way? How is my mind as the music plays softly in the background?

Every moment is another opportunity to reflect on your internal experience and build trust with yourself. You’ve got this! Listen to what’s happening inside of you, stay curious and stay present. You’ll find what’s right for you. And be easy on yourself, what’s right can change with every situation.

Share your process with me! Write a comment below about a decision you are trying to make and share what is happening inside as you think about it.

Quality Time: Three Ways to Build Intimacy Into Your Daily Life

Is it worth your time? Whatever “it” happens to be at this moment, are you experiencing this activity as quality time in your life?

Your time is valuable and precious, its sum total equals your life. We all show up better in our life after spending some quality time with ourselves. One of the best ways to build intimacy is to learn to make pockets of time for yourself. You are worth every second of it!

Quantity or Quality Time?

As communities around the world choose to stay indoors to protect each other from this pandemic, you may be faced with a unique experience: Spending quantity time with yourself, your partner, your children, or whomever you live with currently. Yes, you read that right: quantity time. We are all going to be inside for weeks still, possibly even months. Hopefully this experience will turn into one of quality time for you, where you go to bed each night with shining moments from the day. While I believe the answer to making quality time can be summed up in one word, intimacy, there are so many ways to get there.

Intimacy starts with you. You are the key to how alive, sexy, and connected you feel in this lifetime. Everything necessary to experience the quality of life you want is available. If you are sheltering-in-place with a partner and wanting to feel connected to them throughout this trying time, first ask yourself: how connected to myself am I right now? Are you taking time to nourish yourself and practice self-care?

Ways to Practice Quality Time with Yourself

Here are 3 simple ways to begin connecting to yourself and build some quality time into your day. You may find that one or all of these activities speak to you, so take time for yourself and follow through on as many as you want. You might also find that none of them are exactly right for you, tweak it and make it your own. In essence, each of these suggestions is an opportunity to practice and find what works for you.

First is journaling. Set a timer for 20 minutes or plan to write a certain number of pages (I usually do 3 pages), and then just allow yourself to write whatever comes to your mind in a stream of consciousness flow. Some good places to begin: What am I feeling right now? Am I aware of particular thoughts or ideas? How is my body feeling right now? Keep writing until the timer goes off or until you hit that final line. Even if you’re writing “I don’t know what to write” over and over again. Personal growth hack: If you want a more affirmative phrase to repeat, try “My time matters.” The exercise is meant to create space to watch and witness your own mind. Notice each time you think or feel something new. Notice if you get distracted or bored or excited, and continue to record it all on the paper.

Second is movement. You know what kind of movement would be best for yourself. I suggest making this a solo practice, but it also works to follow someone else’s instruction. So find a private spot in your home and let your body move. You might stretch, practice yoga, turn on music and dance, or even exercise a bit. Whatever you can do to connect with and feel your body. Again, set a timer for this activity so that you can give your full attention to what you are doing.

Finally, taking some time in nature. This is an opportunity for self-intimacy; try doing this alone, rather than invite members of your household along on this particular outing. You may be in a similar place as me, where you don’t know where you’d get some nature time while still honoring the spirit of shelter-in-place. I normally walk on trails for my nature dates, but it is nearly impossible to stay six feet away from others when passing on a trail. So I’ve been getting creative. There’s a space near my apartment with lots of trees, so I’ve been hanging a hammock and relaxing. Or today, I found a little square of grass in my apartment complex and laid in the sun. If you have a dog and are considering taking your furry friend with you on the adventure, first ask yourself: will my four-legged companion distract me from myself? If the answer is anything other than a resounding “no” consider taking your dog out after you’ve had some quality time alone.

Connect with Yourself First

Activities that improve internal awareness, like the ones suggested here, are what nourish our spirit. What I am hope you find after trying these practices, is it’s actually easier to connect with others after you’ve given yourself some time. We experience quality time with our loved ones when we are present, calm and in a mental space available for connection. These qualities are evoked more readily when we create pockets of time to connect with ourselves first.

Now it’s your turn. Share the ways you spent, or will spend, quality time with yourself today! When you share what works for you, it helps others to find what works for them. We all need help from each other to find our way to a happy and full life. Sending warmth and love your way during these uncertain times. Take care and stay safe!

What Does Intimacy Mean, Really?

How we talk about intimacy…

What happens to you when you read the word intimacy? Do you notice positive feelings associated with this word? Do you feel a pull to click off this page? Do you know what intimacy means to you? Cause this word rarely holds the same meaning for people, or it may mean something different with each use. Being able to talk about what intimacy means to you can improve your relationship. Which is why I wanted to offer a possible shared way of thinking about and talking about intimacy.  

Often couples I work with describe a problem with “intimacy” in their relationship. Sometimes they mean that sex has slowed or stopped; sometimes they mean the spark of excitement is dimmer; sometimes they mean that invigorating conversations until 2AM no longer happen. While they are using the same word, the meaning may be completely different from couple to couple. The word “intimacy” is used to describe what we should look for in relationship, as though intimacy is the key to a satisfying partnership. And in a lot of ways, intimacy is a good measure for relational connection. So what does intimacy mean? 

If you google intimacy definition, the first definition says: close familiarity or friendship, closeness. Though Miriam Weber goes another step, adding the layer of sexuality: “intimacy” is used as a euphemism for sexual encounters. What can get confusing in today’s use of the word intimacy, is that sexual encounters are not always about closeness and connection…So are we meaning “intimacy – let’s fool around” or “intimacy – let’s know each other deeply”? 

I lean heavily into the belief that intimacy is deep interpersonal connection. It is the experience of being seen and accepted by another, from which a feeling of closeness blooms. Sex may be a part of that experience, but it is not necessarily the primary characteristic of the relationship. 

What is Intimacy in Relationship?

Terry Real separates intimacy into 5 categories, which I use to organize my understanding of intimacy, they are: 

Intellectual – ability to share ideas, opinions, information in a respectful, nonjudgmental way

Emotional – partners show interest in and compassion for each other’s emotional experience (joy, sadness, anger, fears, etc.)

Physical – dealing with the physical health of your body: food, sleep, exercise, non-sexual touch

Sexual – mutually shared and enjoyed experiences of eroticism, sensuality and sexuality

Spiritual – sharing our experience of greater purpose, meaning or faith practices 

You may find that these areas of intimacy stack evenly, or that some areas are more significant to you than others. Intimacy needs are different for each person. How does your relationship express and support these areas of intimacy? Are you both giving and receiving connection in each of these areas? How are these intimacy needs being met currently? Are there some areas in which you want more? Our needs around each area may change throughout our lives or the life of the relationship. Early on, the stack may have heavy emphasis on sexual and intellectual intimacy. Later, after being together for years, it may evolve to greater physical and emotional intimacy. Cycles of intimate connection shift, grow, and change continually.

If you want to use this information in your own relationship, consider discussing the subject next date night. Talk about what intimacy means to you, how you experience intimacy in each area with your partner, and how you might increase intimacy in areas. If you would like help improving intimacy in areas, consider working with your partner in couples therapy.

Other resources on this subject: The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real

Building Trust 101: Honest Communication

Have you ever found yourself emotionally censoring around your partner? Maybe denying you are upset or saying “I’m fine,” when really you have a storm raging inside. One of the fastest ways to lose trust in a relationship is telling someone you are alright when you are the complete opposite. People fall into the “I’m fine” trap for all kinds of reasons; maybe they want their partner to notice and pursue them, maybe it is a way to keep the other person at a distance, or maybe they don’t want to draw attention to the issue for fear of conflict.

Even if the person believes the false “I’m fine” on a conscious level, our nervous systems are built to register and mirror other people’s internal state. So your definitely-not-fine nervous system will create an atmosphere of unease in the household regardless. Even more importantly, this withholding of the truth leaves you alone with whatever negative feelings you are managing in that moment. If you are anxious or stressed or lonely, your partner is unable to meet you with loving attention and affection- because they think you’re fine! More realistically, they know you’re not fine but haven’t got a clue what’s wrong and so cannot help.

The solution to this relationship pattern? Honest communication: vulnerably sharing your internal experience with your partner. How to make a vulnerable share:

1. Understand what you are feeling (what body sensations are present, what emotions are you noticing)

2. Soothe yourself as much as possible (you want the share to come out earnestly, and without blame or demand for the other person to fix it)

3. Check availability (make sure you have their attention with eye contact and ask if they are available to listen) Might sound something like “I am feeling upset, are you available to listen to what is going on with me?”

4. Tell your partner using an “I” statement like: I feel scared; I feel angry; I feel lonely

That’s it! The goal of sharing isn’t to get something from your partner, though of course they may spring into action to help, but it is to create space for you to be honest and known. Sharing your emotions is a relationally positive move, it gives your partner the opportunity to connect with your inner world. It is also more likely for them to meet whatever need is present behind the feelings. Of course, there is no guarantee they will get the need right, so do not count on the share alone. If you want something specific, be prepared to make a request about what you want from them. For example, “I feel stressed, would you please sit next to me for a little while and listen to what happened at work today?”