Have you ever found yourself emotionally censoring around your partner? Maybe denying you are upset or saying “I’m fine,” when really you have a storm raging inside. One of the fastest ways to lose trust in a relationship is telling someone you are alright when you are the complete opposite. People fall into the “I’m fine” trap for all kinds of reasons; maybe they want their partner to notice and pursue them, maybe it is a way to keep the other person at a distance, or maybe they don’t want to draw attention to the issue for fear of conflict.
Even if the person believes the false “I’m fine” on a conscious level, our nervous systems are built to register and mirror other people’s internal state. So your definitely-not-fine nervous system will create an atmosphere of unease in the household regardless. Even more importantly, this withholding of the truth leaves you alone with whatever negative feelings you are managing in that moment. If you are anxious or stressed or lonely, your partner is unable to meet you with loving attention and affection- because they think you’re fine! More realistically, they know you’re not fine but haven’t got a clue what’s wrong and so cannot help.
The solution to this relationship pattern? Honest communication: vulnerably sharing your internal experience with your partner. How to make a vulnerable share:
Understand what you are feeling (what body sensations are present, what emotions are you noticing)
Soothe yourself as much as possible (you want the share to come out earnestly, and without blame or demand for the other person to fix it)
Check availability (make sure you have their attention with eye contact and ask if they are available to listen) Might sound something like “I am feeling upset, are you available to listen to what is going on with me?”
Tell your partner using an “I” statement like: I feel scared; I feel angry; I feel lonely
That’s it! The goal of sharing isn’t to get something from your partner, though of course they may spring into action to help, but it is to create space for you to be honest and known. Sharing your emotions is a relationally positive move, it gives your partner the opportunity to connect with your inner world. It is also more likely for them to meet whatever need is present behind the feelings. Of course, there is no guarantee they will get the need right, so do not count on the share alone. If you want something specific, be prepared to make a request about what you want from them. For example, “I feel stressed, would you please sit next to me for a little while and listen to what happened at work today?”