How we talk about intimacy…
What happens to you when you read the word intimacy? Do you notice positive feelings associated with this word? Do you feel a pull to click off this page? Do you know what intimacy means to you? Cause this word rarely holds the same meaning for people, or it may mean something different with each use. Being able to talk about what intimacy means to you can improve your relationship. Which is why I wanted to offer a possible shared way of thinking about and talking about intimacy.
Often couples I work with describe a problem with “intimacy” in their relationship. Sometimes they mean that sex has slowed or stopped; sometimes they mean the spark of excitement is dimmer; sometimes they mean that invigorating conversations until 2AM no longer happen. While they are using the same word, the meaning may be completely different from couple to couple. The word “intimacy” is used to describe what we should look for in relationship, as though intimacy is the key to a satisfying partnership. And in a lot of ways, intimacy is a good measure for relational connection. So what does intimacy mean?
If you google intimacy definition, the first definition says: close familiarity or friendship, closeness. Though Miriam Weber goes another step, adding the layer of sexuality: “intimacy” is used as a euphemism for sexual encounters. What can get confusing in today’s use of the word intimacy, is that sexual encounters are not always about closeness and connection…So are we meaning “intimacy – let’s fool around” or “intimacy – let’s know each other deeply”?
I lean heavily into the belief that intimacy is deep interpersonal connection. It is the experience of being seen and accepted by another, from which a feeling of closeness blooms. Sex may be a part of that experience, but it is not necessarily the primary characteristic of the relationship.
What is Intimacy in Relationship?
Terry Real separates intimacy into 5 categories, which I use to organize my understanding of intimacy, they are:
Intellectual – ability to share ideas, opinions, information in a respectful, nonjudgmental way
Emotional – partners show interest in and compassion for each other’s emotional experience (joy, sadness, anger, fears, etc.)
Physical – dealing with the physical health of your body: food, sleep, exercise, non-sexual touch
Sexual – mutually shared and enjoyed experiences of eroticism, sensuality and sexuality
Spiritual – sharing our experience of greater purpose, meaning or faith practices
You may find that these areas of intimacy stack evenly, or that some areas are more significant to you than others. Intimacy needs are different for each person. How does your relationship express and support these areas of intimacy? Are you both giving and receiving connection in each of these areas? How are these intimacy needs being met currently? Are there some areas in which you want more? Our needs around each area may change throughout our lives or the life of the relationship. Early on, the stack may have heavy emphasis on sexual and intellectual intimacy. Later, after being together for years, it may evolve to greater physical and emotional intimacy. Cycles of intimate connection shift, grow, and change continually.
If you want to use this information in your own relationship, consider discussing the subject next date night. Talk about what intimacy means to you, how you experience intimacy in each area with your partner, and how you might increase intimacy in areas. If you would like help improving intimacy in areas, consider working with your partner in couples therapy.
Other resources on this subject: The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real