Do you ever find yourself wondering if your partner really cares about you? They might be loving and thoughtful, but you still feel doubtful about their attraction, commitment, or interest in you.
Imagine how good you feel when your partner surprises you.
Maybe on a Tuesday night you come home to flowers, they’ve laid out clothes for you to wear, and then drive you to your favorite restaurant. (Love, if you’re reading this: I want this surprise! Take me to Sway please.)
Makes you feel special and loved, right?
How long does the feeling last?
On nights you come home and they want some alone time, do you feel like you’ve dropped down a rung or two on the importance ladder? The nights when you aren’t connecting or don’t feeling special, you may start to feel anxious and afraid they don’t care as much.
You’re left wondering…
Do I matter?
Humans crave demonstrations of love. Knowing that we matter is one of the five core needs we all have in relationship. When people don't feel like they matter to a partner, they flounder.
Some might go into shame thinking, "I'm not good enough." Or maybe into anger, "screw them" they don't love me.
Know this cycle? Thankfully, you can change it.
By changing your subconscious beliefs. In neuroscience, they're called implicit beliefs. They are a blueprint of how the world works based on our earliest experiences in relationship.
So if you learned early in life that you don't matter, then that belief will show up in your relationships today.
Take a moment and consider your relationship history. Have you thought to yourself, "I'm not important" "I'm not good enough" "They don't love me." Even when your partner is demonstrating their love for you through words and actions.
Then you may be dealing with implicit beliefs.
So What do I do then?
Two things you can do right now to help change these beliefs:
Remind yourself that it’s old learning
Notice every time you feel like you DO matter. Because you do matter. Infinitely!
Remind yourself it’s old
Next time you have the thought, "I don't matter/I'm not good enough/They don't care about me," and feel the pain, sadness, and frustration that accompanies it, remember: this is a subconscious belief. It's old. The fact that I think it, does not mean it's true.
Ask yourself, where did I learn this belief? And think of times in your early history when you felt unimportant or less than.
Notice when you do feel important
Start teaching your subconscious "I don't matter" is NOT true.
Notice any time you feel like you do matter. If your partner plans something special for you, whether it's a surprise or not, pay attention to it.
Look for those special moments when you feel connected to and loved by your partner. Think about those moments often, write them down, make gratitude lists about them.
And then start comparing those moments to the old belief. This way, you can teach your brain to start looking for and finding proof that you matter.
Share in the comments any ahas you had while reading. Whether you remembered some moments when you didn’t matter or you noticed a moment of feeling important, tell me about it! I’d love to hear your story.
Much love to you,