How often do you say to your partner, “I need this from you.” More time, more attention, more sex, more something. So what do we really need from our partners?
Humans are relational. It is natural and adaptive to have needs. And while they are individual and nuanced, there are universal human needs.
I think about the universal needs in five core categories. We all need to feel safe, heard, seen, soothed, and treated as though we matter.
Safe
Safety first. It is physiologically impossible to be in connection while feeling unsafe. Our nervous system moves into fight-flight-freeze response during experiences of real or perceived danger.
If you’re about to be in a car wreck, you’re in no state to smile and show love to your partner. Similarly, with perceived danger, you wouldn’t be able to love on them if you’re terrified they might leave you.
Creating safety is the first step to a fulfilling connection in relationship.
Heard
Is your partner listening for signals from you? Does your partner notice and attend to the sounds, words, and the movement of your body.
On one of my first dates with my partner, we were outside at Barton Springs with friends. I broke a fingernail folding a blanket, and I made a little “ouch” sound. Even though he was ten feet away and talking to another person, he looked back, concerned that I was okay. At that moment, my partner heard me.
Seen
Seen is being understood. “Seen into...” as my mentor, Jules, would say. If you are crying and your partner notices, that’s a good start. That’s the heard piece. But if you’re crying and your partner says, “Oh Love, are you feeling sad about not getting that promotion? I’m so sorry. Come here, let me hold you.” Big difference, right?
Soothed
The last part of that interaction: “let me hold you” is an example of soothing. Human’s nervous systems mirror and resonate together. When we’re babies, we cannot regulate ourselves and need a separate nervous system (the caregiver) to provide soothing.
As adults, we have the ability to self-soothe. But in relationship, we do rely on our partner at times to help calm our system.
Mattering
Am I important to you? Do you care about me? Do I hold a special place in your heart? It’s impossible not to wonder whether we matter to our partner. It comes from a biological need to belong and seek safety within community.
These five needs are essential in relationship. No, they’re never all perfectly met, but they must be met with regularity for a satisfying life.
Take a moment and notice your reaction to the five core needs: Being safe, heard, seen, soothed, and mattering. Do you have a stronger desire for one over the others? Are they being met in your relationship? Do you know how to meet these needs for your partner?
Share your answers in the comments!
I’ll be sharing tips and suggestions about each need in the next month of blog posts, keep an eye out for those. Sending you so much love and wishing you a romance that meets your needs!